I use to wish the best for you. I use to be able to look at you and not help but break a smile. I used to think of you and I used to feel happy. I used to think that maybe there was something there. I used to think that if I just held on and tried to be what you want that this would end up making sense. That’s not exactly how it went. At one point I wished that you could have whatever made you happy. I thought I could sacrifice it all. Then the universe asked me to do just that. It’s asking me to sit by and watch while you’re happy with someone else. A person who doesn’t deserve, or love you. They’re just passing time till the next cute thing walks by. You’ll see what I mean. You’ll feel it deep like a cut, like a wound you could never reach and you just keep bleeding out. You’ll look at me like everything was torn from you when that happens. I’ll just stare back a mirror of your own puddle of blood. I could never ask the universe to deal what should be dealt to you. I want you to succeed. I don’t want you to feel what’s inside of me right now. This all consuming penetrating darkness. I can’t move passed it. Everything is effected. I can’t even see the best of days without the worst of attitudes. It’s like you secured on my eyes the opposite of rose colored glass. The world isn’t nothin’ but a dark chaotic cursed mess. Now, I wish the best for myself. I hope after I get through all this shit that you left me with I find the one that makes me tick. I’ll know if he wants me and he’ll know I want him. I won’t play footsy and make eyes at him over video games and hang on his every word hoping he’ll notice me. We’ll be equally interested. He and I will talk on the same level and I won’t be scared to say what I feel. I won’t be afraid to admit what’s real. I won’t hold it in so tight I explode and destroy everything that mattered before you teased me with a string, when really there were none attached. I won’t hold my breath so tight, maybe this time I’ll actually speak. Maybe this time I’ll be lucky and you’ll be the one left in the dust. I know I have to get over you first, but I look forward to the day I can look at Facebook and not give a damn what she posted on your wall that day. Feedback?
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I use to wish the best for you. I use to be able to look at you and not help but break a smile. I used to think of you and I used to feel happy. I used to think that maybe there was something there. I used to think that if I just held on and tried to be what you want that this would end up making sense. That’s not exactly how it went. At one point I wished that you could have whatever made you happy. I thought I could sacrifice it all.

Then the universe asked me to do just that. It’s asking me to sit by and watch while you’re happy with someone else. A person who doesn’t deserve, or love you. They’re just passing time till the next cute thing walks by. You’ll see what I mean. You’ll feel it deep like a cut, like a wound you could never reach and you just keep bleeding out. You’ll look at me like everything was torn from you when that happens. I’ll just stare back a mirror of your own puddle of blood.

I could never ask the universe to deal what should be dealt to you. I want you to succeed. I don’t want you to feel what’s inside of me right now. This all consuming penetrating darkness. I can’t move passed it. Everything is effected. I can’t even see the best of days without the worst of attitudes. It’s like you secured on my eyes the opposite of rose colored glass. The world isn’t nothin’ but a dark chaotic cursed mess.

Now, I wish the best for myself. I hope after I get through all this shit that you left me with I find the one that makes me tick. I’ll know if he wants me and he’ll know I want him. I won’t play footsy and make eyes at him over video games and hang on his every word hoping he’ll notice me. We’ll be equally interested. He and I will talk on the same level and I won’t be scared to say what I feel. I won’t be afraid to admit what’s real.

I won’t hold it in so tight I explode and destroy everything that mattered before you teased me with a string, when really there were none attached.

I won’t hold my breath so tight, maybe this time I’ll actually speak. Maybe this time I’ll be lucky and you’ll be the one left in the dust. I know I have to get over you first, but I look forward to the day I can look at Facebook and not give a damn what she posted on your wall that day.

Feedback?

Broken Wings Broken limbs and cut apart dreams That will never fly again Nothing that truly matters Forgotten ambitions Lost and lonely dreams The ones we forget about when they are done They get lost in a world of past Living the same moments over and over And always having no one to attach their wings to They don’t even belong to you anymore You’ve moved on giving up They are just lost Within themselves Watching themselves Replay and replay 2002Old Poetry.Feedback?
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Broken Wings

Broken limbs and cut apart dreams
That will never fly again
Nothing that truly matters
Forgotten ambitions Lost and lonely dreams
The ones we forget about when they are done
They get lost in a world of past
Living the same moments over and over
And always having no one to attach their wings to
They don’t even belong to you anymore
You’ve moved on giving up
They are just lost
Within themselves
Watching themselves
Replay and replay

2002
Old Poetry.
Feedback?

{Why Can’t I?} Why can’t I simply try? Why can’t I let myself get hurt? It will happen eventually Why can’t I just wise up to the fact? Why can’t I just let you in my head? You probably don’t want me but I might as well try You most likely don’t care about all this. Or me. You don’t care at all I constantly assume. I hardly know you. But I feel confused all the same. It could be easy to let it go. It could be easy to try. To just make a jump Or a drop. I could love the adrenaline. Apparently I love to fail So why is it so scary? I could love the high from that fear, Or even the broken bones and busted hurt. Fear is everywhere. But it’s fly or fall That’s only chance I have left. Old Poetry. Feedback?
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{Why Can’t I?}

Why can’t I simply try?

Why can’t I let myself get hurt?

It will happen eventually

Why can’t I just wise up to the fact?

Why can’t I just let you in my head?

You probably don’t want me but I might as well try

You most likely don’t care about all this.

Or me.

You don’t care at all I constantly assume.

I hardly know you.

But I feel confused all the same.

It could be easy to let it go.

It could be easy to try.

To just make a jump

Or a drop.

I could love the adrenaline.

Apparently I love to fail

So why is it so scary?

I could love the high from that fear,

Or even the broken bones and busted hurt.

Fear is everywhere.

But it’s fly or fall

That’s only chance I have left.

Old Poetry. Feedback?

{Sudden Inspiration} I feel my bones shiver as I lay on the ground where it ended You were a last resort you had been forgotten But now the pain fills my head Just one needle Just one Flask You are my favorite drug One hit and I fall back You are staring at me again wondering if I follow your words Straight from your lips the nectar we had found Just once more Just one More Time You are my favorite vice one hit and I fall back I could stop if you were nothing to me Just an eerie obsession that haunted my brain Forget rehabilitation I never want to live without you You have brought me to my knees You are my favorite distraction one hit and I fall back. Old poetry.
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{Sudden Inspiration}

I feel my bones shiver as I lay on the ground where it ended
You were a last resort you had been forgotten
But now the pain fills my head
Just one needle
Just one Flask

You are my favorite drug
One hit and I fall back
You are staring at me again wondering if I follow your words
Straight from your lips the nectar we had found
Just once more
Just one More Time

You are my favorite vice one hit and I fall back
I could stop if you were nothing to me
Just an eerie obsession that haunted my brain
Forget rehabilitation I never want to live without you
You have brought me to my knees

You are my favorite distraction one hit and I fall back.

Old poetry.

{Enter In} I feel the burn enter in The very idea of you cause this loneliness in me I have everything I still wish for you The drugs are not enough pretending does not help you are the only thing I can take I wish I could not feel the prick You are all I see I hope you feel the searing I know you are not aware Sometimes I wish I wasn’t I wish you could see the scars you have caused The pain was gone Then regained without a warning Can you feel nothing? I thought I’d share some old poetry. I’m not happy with most of it if I’m being honest. I’m hoping going through all these things will help me find my voice. Plus, some of these might help me figure out this story.
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{Enter In}

I feel the burn enter in
The very idea of you cause this loneliness in me
I have everything
I still wish for you
The drugs are not enough
pretending does not help
you are the only thing I can take
I wish I could not feel the prick

You are all I see
I hope you feel the searing
I know you are not aware
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t
I wish you could see the scars you have caused

The pain was gone
Then regained without a warning
Can you feel nothing?

I thought I’d share some old poetry. I’m not happy with most of it if I’m being honest. I’m hoping going through all these things will help me find my voice. Plus, some of these might help me figure out this story.

I don’t know why I even try to find you. You’re the part of my darkness I should never acknowledge. I should run and hide from the pitch black that you call to in me. Instead I ran quick towards you. I let you wrap me up in the darkness of the middle of the night. I sat on your couch waiting for you to touch me. Waiting to hear you laugh at my jokes. Every feeling was perfect then. I just should have realized I was always waiting and you would always be gone. You’d never want to hold me or touch me like I want to touch you. You don’t want that closeness. At least not the whole package. I try to tell myself that’s alright. I try to tell myself that everything would be OK if I could just deal. The question that remains is could I? I’m willing to try but I have a feeling I’ll always be the one having to deal with your jokes. I’ll be the one that’s giving more. It’s not that surprising but I wish I could muster up the strength to let you go. Things would be easier that way. I could find my own way. A life without you in it though doesn’t sound like it’s worth sticking around for. (I had more for this but I lost it by waiting a couple days.)
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I don’t know why I even try to find you. You’re the part of my darkness I should never acknowledge. I should run and hide from the pitch black that you call to in me. Instead I ran quick towards you. I let you wrap me up in the darkness of the middle of the night. I sat on your couch waiting for you to touch me. Waiting to hear you laugh at my jokes. Every feeling was perfect then. I just should have realized I was always waiting and you would always be gone.

You’d never want to hold me or touch me like I want to touch you. You don’t want that closeness. At least not the whole package. I try to tell myself that’s alright. I try to tell myself that everything would be OK if I could just deal. The question that remains is could I? I’m willing to try but I have a feeling I’ll always be the one having to deal with your jokes. I’ll be the one that’s giving more. It’s not that surprising but I wish I could muster up the strength to let you go.

Things would be easier that way. I could find my own way. A life without you in it though doesn’t sound like it’s worth sticking around for.

(I had more for this but I lost it by waiting a couple days.)