This year… I want to fall in love in earnest with someone who loves me back. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to get over the most recent broken heart. I want to forgive myself for the people I’ve hurt. I want to stop punishing myself. I want to stop wishing I had a father. I want to finally stop spending more time with the role models I have before they’ gone. I want to finish a book I want to stop being afraid to succeed. I want to remember why I used to love myself. I want to make moves to being published. I want to stop measuring myself by other people’s successes. I want to feel healthier. I want to stop being afraid. I want to stop being jealous. I want to stop chasing after the ones that don’t want me. I want to figure out what I want. I want to learn to be more honest. I want to work through the bad elements in my life. I want to be stronger. I don’t want to be afraid to dance. I want to be a better writer. I want to pursue my creativity. I want to see more of the world. I want to be able to breathe again when I think about you. I want to be able to be your friend again, without wishing everything didn’t hurt. I want to be less selfish. I want to try and be honest with myself. I want to learn my Tarot cards. I want to stop blaming myself for everything. I want to learn if I really care about you. I want to learn how to care more about myself. I want to learn how to be motivated. I want to learn not to internalize every pain. I want to be more passionate and not afraid to be that way. I want to do whatever it takes to accomplish my goals. I don’t want to be afraid to fall. I just…don’t want to be afraid.
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This year…

  • I want to fall in love in earnest with someone who loves me back. I don’t want to be afraid.
  • I want to get over the most recent broken heart.
  • I want to forgive myself for the people I’ve hurt.
  • I want to stop punishing myself.
  • I want to stop wishing I had a father.
  • I want to finally stop spending more time with the role models I have before they’ gone.
  • I want to finish a book
  • I want to stop being afraid to succeed.
  • I want to remember why I used to love myself.
  • I want to make moves to being published.
  • I want to stop measuring myself by other people’s successes.
  • I want to feel healthier.
  • I want to stop being afraid.
  • I want to stop being jealous.
  • I want to stop chasing after the ones that don’t want me.
  • I want to figure out what I want.
  • I want to learn to be more honest.
  • I want to work through the bad elements in my life.
  • I want to be stronger.
  • I don’t want to be afraid to dance.
  • I want to be a better writer.
  • I want to pursue my creativity.
  • I want to see more of the world.
  • I want to be able to breathe again when I think about you.
  • I want to be able to be your friend again, without wishing everything didn’t hurt.
  • I want to be less selfish.
  • I want to try and be honest with myself.
  • I want to learn my Tarot cards.
  • I want to stop blaming myself for everything.
  • I want to learn if I really care about you.
  • I want to learn how to care more about myself.
  • I want to learn how to be motivated.
  • I want to learn not to internalize every pain.
  • I want to be more passionate and not afraid to be that way.
  • I want to do whatever it takes to accomplish my goals.
  • I don’t want to be afraid to fall.
  • I just…don’t want to be afraid.
How could I learn from you if you aren’t here? How can I know what a man is supposed to be like when all you’ve given me is the worst example? I’m half of you and half my mother but it seems like half of me is missing. Maybe that’s why love with a man is so hard, so weird. So difficult for me to trust. Because you let me go out and figure all that out on my own. It’s weird how sometimes I wanted you so bad it felt like I was breaking, then other times I felt like I was fine. All I know is lately I wish there was a Dad in my life that wasn’t afraid to give. I wish that I had a dad that would have taken care of my mom. That would have taken care of me. I want to pretend that it’s easy to get by. Sometimes I don’t even think about you. Sometimes I start googling your name.  Sometimes I sneak to look at my birth certificate. Just to look at it. To know that you exist when I can’t find you any other way. How many people have you left? How many children have you spawned? How many drinks have you drank to forget what you wrought? How many times have you lost yourself and had to dig your way out. How is it possible that in some ways I have a dark feeling that I’m so much more like you than the woman who raised me. Why do I feel like I’m always gonna be lost. A part of me will always be missing. I’ll never have that experience that other people have. To look up to their Dad. To have him there when she falls. To have him menacing on her first date. How many things will I miss out on having just because you aren’t here? How many happy days will my mom have lost because of fear attached to you. Things we never talk about. Things we never should. I’ve lost everything because of men. Because I can’t figure out what they want and what they need. What I want in conjunction with them. Whether I even want them at all. How did you decide to go? Did I scare you, was there just something about me that you couldn’t love even though I hadn’t become me yet. Maybe that’s my curse, to scare off the men I really need. To chase away what would save me. What could make me better. I run off the ones that try and the ones that I want don’t ever seem to want me. Maybe it all started with you. Maybe somehow I lost you in the woods before I even walked in them. Before I even saw your face. Was it really worth it to run away and never try? To not even let me remember you once? Whenever I was little all the way up till now, every movie or show moment that involved a kid losing a father, that involved a kid and their father bonding so intensely. I always cried. I still do. When Disney characters died my mom had to hold me tight in a movie theater. These day I drink just like you did to try and wash away every pain. I’ll end up just like you with kids I don’t know. With a couple rehab centers under my belt. I wish that I could just see you, maybe just a picture so that I could know what parts of me are you. The eyes that my mom always said reminded her of yours. If they’re the windows to the soul does that mean that everything I am is all because of you? I never deal, hell I’m not even sure I know how to deal with something like that. What do you do when half of you leaves the night you’re born never to teach you what’s inside? Never to teach you about all the things you’re predisposed to? What do you do when half of your heritage leaves you without a way to find out who you are? What do you when half of your ancestors basically just disappear. What do you do when you can’t find out where you came from?  How do you get over not knowing half of what you are? I just want to move passed it all and start becoming whatever the fuck I’m supposed to be. How though do you deal with so many things hurting and ripping apart inside all at once. How do you figure out what’s next when every new pain bring up all the old ones? When every time a man lets me down I remember the first one that ever did, the most important one?
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How could I learn from you if you aren’t here? How can I know what a man is supposed to be like when all you’ve given me is the worst example? I’m half of you and half my mother but it seems like half of me is missing. Maybe that’s why love with a man is so hard, so weird. So difficult for me to trust. Because you let me go out and figure all that out on my own.

It’s weird how sometimes I wanted you so bad it felt like I was breaking, then other times I felt like I was fine. All I know is lately I wish there was a Dad in my life that wasn’t afraid to give. I wish that I had a dad that would have taken care of my mom. That would have taken care of me. I want to pretend that it’s easy to get by. Sometimes I don’t even think about you. Sometimes I start googling your name.  Sometimes I sneak to look at my birth certificate. Just to look at it. To know that you exist when I can’t find you any other way.

How many people have you left? How many children have you spawned? How many drinks have you drank to forget what you wrought? How many times have you lost yourself and had to dig your way out. How is it possible that in some ways I have a dark feeling that I’m so much more like you than the woman who raised me. Why do I feel like I’m always gonna be lost. A part of me will always be missing. I’ll never have that experience that other people have. To look up to their Dad. To have him there when she falls. To have him menacing on her first date. How many things will I miss out on having just because you aren’t here?

How many happy days will my mom have lost because of fear attached to you. Things we never talk about. Things we never should. I’ve lost everything because of men. Because I can’t figure out what they want and what they need. What I want in conjunction with them. Whether I even want them at all. How did you decide to go? Did I scare you, was there just something about me that you couldn’t love even though I hadn’t become me yet.

Maybe that’s my curse, to scare off the men I really need. To chase away what would save me. What could make me better. I run off the ones that try and the ones that I want don’t ever seem to want me. Maybe it all started with you. Maybe somehow I lost you in the woods before I even walked in them. Before I even saw your face. Was it really worth it to run away and never try? To not even let me remember you once?

Whenever I was little all the way up till now, every movie or show moment that involved a kid losing a father, that involved a kid and their father bonding so intensely. I always cried. I still do. When Disney characters died my mom had to hold me tight in a movie theater. These day I drink just like you did to try and wash away every pain. I’ll end up just like you with kids I don’t know. With a couple rehab centers under my belt.

I wish that I could just see you, maybe just a picture so that I could know what parts of me are you. The eyes that my mom always said reminded her of yours. If they’re the windows to the soul does that mean that everything I am is all because of you? I never deal, hell I’m not even sure I know how to deal with something like that. What do you do when half of you leaves the night you’re born never to teach you what’s inside? Never to teach you about all the things you’re predisposed to?

What do you do when half of your heritage leaves you without a way to find out who you are? What do you when half of your ancestors basically just disappear. What do you do when you can’t find out where you came from?  How do you get over not knowing half of what you are? I just want to move passed it all and start becoming whatever the fuck I’m supposed to be. How though do you deal with so many things hurting and ripping apart inside all at once. How do you figure out what’s next when every new pain bring up all the old ones? When every time a man lets me down I remember the first one that ever did, the most important one?

I didn’t know I’d love you so much. I didn’t know when I went into it that I’d miss you so much that it hurts. We’d always been friends. So close I couldn’t imagine life without you. Once we started it was so damn hard to separate the two. There was sex, and we were with each other almost every day. You took me to meet your family, we even went out to eat with them. The way you talked to me, the things we did they were different. I never stayed over in your bed before. We never cuddled close on your bed before. There was something so different. I don’t want to let go of it but it’s all I can do. You’ve moved on. You’re where you want to be and I’m collateral damage it’s all I’ve ever been in this. You didn’t think it through and neither did i. We should have stayed apart. Don’t they say it’s better to know in the long run? That I would hate myself for never trying. How do you compare the hate for giving it all and losing it to still having some thing to hold on to. I lost more in you than just someone to stay with on a cold night. I know what I feels like now to be left for another person. To lose what you thought could never be lost to someone who’s already had it. I can see that this might be karma, when one person follows their heart sometimes other people get theirs ripped out. I just didn’t ever think you could do that to me without a second glance. I can’t believe you would do that and think everything would be like it had always been before. That I could get over it quickly and it was a process that could be moved along. You never saw me the way I wanted you to. I sometimes think you barely saw me at all. I was someone to take up space until a real replacement was found. Someone you thought could fix your wounds make them disappear instantly. Someone who already gave you her own. One you could never get over. So you left. You plunged into it with her. I can barely see you without feeling empty inside. Whenever we’re together it’s like a temporary band-aid. It covers the scars so I forget. It covers the giant hole that you left when you went. It covers what I never could. Then when you hug me you reach to the edge and rip it off as you leave. The giant hole was there the whole time. Laughing with its broken edges and bloody look. I don’t know how to sew it up. I barely know how to clean it. Is writing about it helping or making it worse? You can tell me it never meant anything different. I won’t believe a word you say. It’s so easy to tell the difference between what was then and what came when she was back. What came when it was over. It wasn’t just the end of sex. It was the end of something more. You can say I didn’t mean anything more than your closest friend. There was something else in that though. Something harsh something imperfect. That may have been the worst thing you could say. Still talk to me every day but not the way you used to. Still tell me you love me but not the way I ever wanted you to. Still hug me but you never stay and hold on. Still throw the occasional sexual joke but it’s never as funny as it used to be. All I want to do is get over it. How do I get over this without just getting over you? Feedback?
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I didn’t know I’d love you so much. I didn’t know when I went into it that I’d miss you so much that it hurts. We’d always been friends. So close I couldn’t imagine life without you. Once we started it was so damn hard to separate the two. There was sex, and we were with each other almost every day. You took me to meet your family, we even went out to eat with them. The way you talked to me, the things we did they were different.

I never stayed over in your bed before. We never cuddled close on your bed before. There was something so different. I don’t want to let go of it but it’s all I can do. You’ve moved on. You’re where you want to be and I’m collateral damage it’s all I’ve ever been in this. You didn’t think it through and neither did i. We should have stayed apart. Don’t they say it’s better to know in the long run? That I would hate myself for never trying. How do you compare the hate for giving it all and losing it to still having some thing to hold on to.

I lost more in you than just someone to stay with on a cold night. I know what I feels like now to be left for another person. To lose what you thought could never be lost to someone who’s already had it. I can see that this might be karma, when one person follows their heart sometimes other people get theirs ripped out. I just didn’t ever think you could do that to me without a second glance. I can’t believe you would do that and think everything would be like it had always been before. That I could get over it quickly and it was a process that could be moved along.

You never saw me the way I wanted you to. I sometimes think you barely saw me at all. I was someone to take up space until a real replacement was found. Someone you thought could fix your wounds make them disappear instantly. Someone who already gave you her own. One you could never get over. So you left. You plunged into it with her. I can barely see you without feeling empty inside.

Whenever we’re together it’s like a temporary band-aid. It covers the scars so I forget. It covers the giant hole that you left when you went. It covers what I never could. Then when you hug me you reach to the edge and rip it off as you leave. The giant hole was there the whole time. Laughing with its broken edges and bloody look. I don’t know how to sew it up. I barely know how to clean it. Is writing about it helping or making it worse?

You can tell me it never meant anything different. I won’t believe a word you say. It’s so easy to tell the difference between what was then and what came when she was back. What came when it was over. It wasn’t just the end of sex. It was the end of something more. You can say I didn’t mean anything more than your closest friend. There was something else in that though. Something harsh something imperfect. That may have been the worst thing you could say.

Still talk to me every day but not the way you used to. Still tell me you love me but not the way I ever wanted you to. Still hug me but you never stay and hold on. Still throw the occasional sexual joke but it’s never as funny as it used to be. All I want to do is get over it. How do I get over this without just getting over you?

Feedback?

almostwinner: zagafryon: beatamax: Love it ^__^ I don’t get why there’s a cat and a dog… bestiality? =)) Not everything here’s about sex— just about love, in general. Love for creatures other than humans still counts, and animal abuse is still a pretty big issue right now. Love love, love all. :p I interpreted the dog and the cat as referencing which animal the person preferred. That constant battle of cat people vs. dog people and that they can still work it out? Maybe.
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almostwinner:

zagafryon:

beatamax:

Love it ^__^

I don’t get why there’s a cat and a dog… bestiality? =))

Not everything here’s about sex— just about love, in general. Love for creatures other than humans still counts, and animal abuse is still a pretty big issue right now.

Love love, love all. :p

I interpreted the dog and the cat as referencing which animal the person preferred. That constant battle of cat people vs. dog people and that they can still work it out? Maybe.

(via iamawanderer)

{ACHING} All the beauty in his eyesYour heart stops when you feel that stare Captivating Devastating Breaking You feel the hand of love closing cold Around your heart You are left in the dark Alone in the park You have to push yourself on that swing You have to tell yourself this tradition will change The heartache of this generation does not mean you too Captivating Devastating Breaking 2002 Old Poetry Feedback?
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{ACHING}

All the beauty in his eyes
Your heart stops when you feel that stare
Captivating Devastating Breaking
You feel the hand of love closing cold
Around your heart
You are left in the dark
Alone in the park
You have to push yourself on that swing
You have to tell yourself this tradition will change
The heartache of this generation does not mean you too
Captivating Devastating Breaking

2002
Old Poetry
Feedback?